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Creativity, Compassion and Self-Hate - Part Two
"It is much more important to forget the GOOD reviews." - Sir Lawrence Olivier
Creative U-Turns, those times when we back away from a desired goal for a long time (sometimes forever) are just as likely to happen on the heels of success as on the heels of failure. That is one reason they say, "Good is the enemy of great." The good reviews can make us lazy, or too comfortable to risk new approaches. One danger of the inflated sense of mission or talent manifests itself in an even more nefarious form of self-hate - grandiosity.
Our Grandiose self is our inflated ego self -- the inner personality that blusters about our accomplishments, embellishes our skills, rebels against authority, refuses to humble himself or herself enough to seek help or just do the humble work of the job at hand without seeking praise or inflated recognition. In business and personal relationships it is our grandiose persona that makes sweeping promises to the world (or herself) about the great and important work we are doing, or will do someday, or disappoints our intimates when we cannot deliver what we felt compelled to promise. I am not talking about hard-earned confidence. True confidence, while assertive, is secure enough that its possessor rarely has to boast. The best leaders are those that take personal responsibility for their failures but share the rewards and accolades for their successes with their subordinates. What this all means is: the act of grandiosity is a form of self-hate.
This reminds me of a wonderful man of my acquaintance, lets call him Bill. Bill is in his mid-fifties, a devout family man and gourmand, a exquisitely trained and accomplished photographer who spent a little too much time judging art work for famous galleries. After years of being, THE MAN, in the New York scene, Bill suddenly stopped shooting photographs and decided he would only do work when he knew it would "change the art world" as he saw it. This grandiosity drove Bill to seclusion from his family, hatred for his once beloved art form, and to debilitating migraine headaches that eventually forced Bill out of productive work altogether: all because he became grandiose about his legacy instead of remaining humble and fiercely committed to the PROCESS of artistic expression.
Now, sure, it is a perfectly acceptable ambition to want to change the world as we know it. Even to become "rich and famous." The world would have no art at all if hope and passion did not exist. But our accomplishments and their effect on the domain in which we work can only be decided post-creation. We hurt our chances at success when we look to our past accomplishments when we should be looking ahead. Today, we must do what is in front of us, tabling our desire to "conquer" the art world, the science frontier, the business community, or the film business.
Self hate screams "You are not Enough!" or "Without your accomplishments you are worthless." This drive to be superhuman drove Bill to a grandiosity that almost killed him and affected his family members, friends, and colleagues who faced his pompous airs, his lack of production and his sense of victim-hood. We must work to have enough self-acceptance to allow ourselves to grow into greatness, one project at a time, and to accept our shortcomings as part of the package. This way the question becomes, "What small action can I take today to advance my career or creative goals?"
Now that I understand that much of a person's pompous arrogance is a reflection of a tortured self-image, it has helped me deal with many of the more difficult artists and executives with whom I work. I am now more aware of the link between their braggadocio and the risk they feel. The more risk they face, the more they bluster. I have learned not to take it so personally but to attempt a higher level of compassion for those who feel they must impress me. I have also learned a bit of compassion for myself when I catch my own arrogant or egotistical self in charge.
Of course, each of us will have our fearful moments, everything we do contains a certain amount of risk - that is what makes creation, in art, in business, in science, so exciting. But learning to face our limitations and risk our self image, our time, our reputation, our money, or our dreams in order to succeed makes the accomplishment all the more meaningful and real - and makes grandiosity less and less necessary. Being right-sized is the luxury of self-acceptance.
Can you allow yourself to have Happy Failures? Can you be a worker among workers, as the saying goes, and accept yourself as human, flawed and wonderful. For the next couple of weeks, lets deliver an extra measure of compassion for our creative efforts as well as the creative efforts of those around us. Dumping the false presentation of myself as superhuman in favor of an eye to eye view of life allows me to ask for help and accept help when it is offered, deliver more often on what I promise, schedule myself more realistically so I have time to be creative, and to engage more honestly with others.
As I have learned to have a more accepting attitude about ALL of the components of my inner life, including my shortcomings, I have discovered a reason to like me better, and the distance between who I am now, and who I want to become, (i.e. my goal of mastery) has become more real and less frightening. Accepting myself "just as I am," as the old hymn goes -- even when my agent won't call back, my bank account is low, or my day has gone to hell, saves me from having to act like someone I am not. And to be more like someone I want to be as I accomplish one thing at a time, just like everyone else.
All the best,
Mark Bryan
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